I would like to take a minute to discuss the “tropical paradise” assumption that everyone makes. I live on a tropical island. The view from my balcony (where I am sitting as I write) is stunning.  I live on the beach, which I have always wanted to do.  But what does it mean to live in a tropical “paradise”.  Living here has taught me that being in paradise is a function of how you choose to live your life not the location where you are living.  It is far from perfect here and the transition hasn’t been as simple as beach chairs, fruity drinks with umbrellas and the smell of tanning oil. In fact, Grenada is an underdeveloped country still recovering from the beating they took during Hurricane Ivan in 2004.  Mosquito bites could mean Dengue fever, centipedes are deadly and sometimes water pressure is nonexistent and power just goes out.  Children beg and sell bananas to try and make money.  Stray dogs abound and the busses are never on time when you need them to be. Such is life.  And that isn’t paradise if that’s the lens you filter your experience through.  You will hate this island and count down the days until you leave.  To borrow a phrase from my time at Streams: “what you focus on you make room for”….

Let’s try this island experience again:  I live on the beach! I can go swimming as often as I have time for (which lately hasn’t been nearly enough).  I am going to medical school at a highly reputable institution with great clinical sites and better than average scores on standardized tests by percentage.  I have great friends.  We choose to make the most of our time here and enjoy our lives one moment at a time.  Does that mean there isn’t the occasional AHHHHHH why Grenada, why?!?! moments when we are frustrated with the circumstance of the moment, of course not.  BUT I have learned that if you take joy in the little moments and allow yourself moments of awe and wonder, things are never as bad as they seem.  You will find that things like finding your favorite snack in the store or catching the perfect sunset as you are coming out of lab or stupid jokes that are only funny to the people you study with all make life enjoyable.  Deciding not to stress out about losing power and instead walking up the beach to the restaurant/beach bar that has power to sit on the beach and study and then relax with a few karaoke songs before heading back to go to sleep.  Or coming back from a day of classes in a non-air conditioned building when it feels like 98deg outside to run straight into the ocean or long hours that turn into silliness while studying in your favorite spot all become part of your personal paradise.

If you wait for the circumstances in your life to be picture perfect you will miss the beauty in the process.  How you see the world is up to you.  Look for the moments that make paradise.

The view from where I am sitting (my balcony):

so its been forever since ive updated. shame on me – i should get on that in the next few days, but for right now at 1:57am on Thursday morning all I have to say is WAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!   THIS CHICK IS GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!!!  :-D

I am beyond excited that God has opened this door. I am in complete awe of the way He moves mountains and opens doors you thought were closed.  I can’t even believe it. I feel like I’m in a fairy tale suspended in some other-reality and it makes me feel like I want to come out of my skin.  I leave in 60 days to move to an amazing school in an incredible place.  3 countries in one year. 4 distinctly different seasons.  I’ve graduated to the next step in my destiny and I can’t wait to see what is in store.  Lots to do between now and when I leave!   But for now… an attempt at sleep (futile as it might be in all of my excitement)

<3

Erin

As I sit here, I look up and see a poem hanging on the wall. It says:

The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, Where the arms of God cannot support you, Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you, Where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you, Where the army of God cannot protect you, Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you, Where the love of God cannot enfold you, Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears, Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you, Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, Where the Word of God cannot feed you, Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, Were the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

I believe all of these things.  I know that God is good and that He never puts to shame those who place their trust in Him.  I know that He loves me and has great plans for my life.  I don’t doubt any of that.  But I am realizing that its okay to still have feelings in the midst of all of your believing.  David was an excellent demonstration of being a man of faith and still being honest about what he was feeling with God. 

So being real about things – I am having a difficult time not being back at school.  I am struggling with my emotions – sometimes I cry, sometimes I want to run away, sometimes I’m angry or confused.  I feel lonely – and yes I know God is with me always, I can feel Him there.  I feel like I am lost in a dimension somewhere between here and there – not quite belonging but not being totally lost.  So there ya have it – I trust Him but this totally sucks.  A door was opened at the very last second for me to come and now I’m the one who gets to go home. Thank goodness I already knew life isn’t always “fair” otherwise I might have been totally crushed haha.

My mom read me something from Lamentations this morning that basically said to keep hoping no matter what comes your way because there is always still hope. I choose to not let my emotions rule me, but I’m also not going to shut them off like I have done too many times before.  I’m so glad God is better at putting broken things back together again than humpty-dumpty’s friends.  I have a master Healer, Craftsman and Artist working on the re-build.  Its gonna be crazy awesome when its done.  Until then – please be patient with me

<3 Erin

in the face of not going back i have had some choices to make. i had to choose how i was going to respond to things not happening the way i thought they would – an incredible young man of God gave me some helpful perspective on my situation and i realized that whether im here or there God can teach me what I need to know — the problem really isn’t that huge. yes of course i miss everybody and i miss being there, but in the scheme of things as long as i choose to keep following hard after Him and don’t let this change of events deter my focus I will still get where I need to go. Good things are coming and I choose to stay in a place of faith, trust and joy until they do.

i still need prayers and i am still believing for financial provision – whatever that looks like. i am also believing for the next step in my life (whatever that happens to be) and i am thanking God for the new little piece of vision for my future.

praying your lives will be richly blessed,
<3 Erin

oh and p.s. i took my first harley ride last night. first time ive ever been on a motorcycle (anyone who knows me well knows that i was pretty afraid of them) .  one ride was all it took to cure me of my fear – so fantastic. (still have an incredibly healthy respect for them so don’t worry)  im not gonna run out and buy one but i won’t turn down the offer to go on a ride anymore.

<3 Erin

Today has been a great day so far — packing went much more quickly last night then I had expected.  I was done by 11pm! We all played soccer together this morning for a few hours, competitively, and my team lost…. we get to do dishes tonight!   After lunch I went to the mall and someone bought me a gift.  I love the new scarves!! So pretty.  Now I am just relaxing until the kitchen starts work at 4pm.   We will all be together for dinner and Eric is speaking this evening.  After we are done with the evening, Sherah, Janna, Chris and I will hop in the car and head for Seattle.  My flight leaves from Seattle and I fly through JFK before making it to BWI where my parents will pick me up.  Definitely looking forward to resting and waiting on God to see what He has up His sleeve.

It has been difficult to learn to rejoice with the people who are seeing the provision to stay – I’m the only one out of the group who is still facing not returning.  It is a lonely place to be.  I am trying with every fiber in my being to believe that the same can happen for me.  I mean 2 students getting checks for 5grand a piece is pretty crazy, especially in less than 5 days.  I can’t remember the last time I was this passionate about anything in my life… its been years… but at the same time i feel so helpless.  So tonight I close my eyes and pray for encouragement and the strength and joy of the Lord – to get me through the week and to help me handle whatever happens.

<3 Erin

wednesday we (kitchen crew) started working at 9am in the kitchen (everyone else worked at their respective jobs) and we worked until lunch.  after lunch we had a good half hour of work again before getting ready to go to class with John Paul.  class was really good and there was time for questions, which are always fun – then we raced home so the kitchen crew could make dinner as fast as possible because the natives were restless and hungry and it was past dinner time.  gotta keep those natives well fed!  after dinner luke, one of our 3rd year interns, spoke about his life and some of the things that he has learned along the way.  it was really powerful – he’s an amazing guy.

thursday morning we did about an hour’s worth of kitchen prep and then had lunch and packed all of the food for the entire conference (to feed the interns) and loaded up the vans and headed out to Abbotsford, BC (about an hour and 15 mins away).  We started setting up and getting ready as soon as we got there and broke for dinner between 4 and 5. Registration began at 5 and we sold out!  We filled all 600 seats.  Thursday night was a bit unconventional – we did a small protocol ceremony with the chiefs from 2 different tribes of First nations peoples – which was awesome.  Then John Paul felt strongly that instead of speaking that he should invite the pastors up to help him read the names of God from his 365 names of God book, accompanied by worship led by the percussionist.  Talk about powerful! it was so amazing and it set a great tone for the conference.  We got back to our respective abodes in Abbotsford close to 1130pm and got settled in.  No one really slept that well Thursday night.

Friday we got to hear both John Paul and RT Kendall speak.  John Paul spoke in the morning about Dreams and Visions and did some live dream interpretations and then RT spoke in the afternoon about Yesterday’s man, Today’s man and Tomorrow’s man (using Saul, Samuel and David as an illustration) and John Paul finished out the evening session with a message entitled “6 Signs of a Rising Warrior”.  Quite a long day, but an excellent one full of good teaching and incredible worship.

Saturday morning we got up earlier and packed up all our stuff before going to the conference and RT finished his message from the day before by talking about how to be today’s man.  The afternoon session was taught by Tyler, the director of the school and we did some exercises with the crowd and then did some ministry, dream interpretation and prayer.  From what I heard, everyone was really surprised at how well we did – most of them didn’t know much about the school (if anything at all) before hand and weren’t terribly excited about having a bunch of students do ministry.  They changed their minds by the time we were done God is awesome like that.    After dinner we had a bit of Q&A time with John Paul and RT before the evening session.  Janna, Sherah and I got to help Noah with some of the duplication of CD and DVDs of the conference during the last session so I missed a lot of the speaking, but the part I did catch was about totally forgiving someone.  The worship was phenomenal again.  Packing up and getting out of there was fairly quick and we were home just after midnight.  What a weekend!!!   After about 12 hours of sleep like i was dead to the world, I feel better, but still kind of like a zombie.  Early to bed tonight for sure!

<3   Erin

even in the midst of an impossible situation i get to choose how i feel and respond.   every ounce of common sense tells me this is my last weekend here – if that is true i have a million things i need to be doing to get ready to head home, but yet my spirit is at peace.  today was a perfect example of how we get to choose how we live our lives.

The bible tells us to let tomorrow worry about itself and not to live in the memories of the past because our pasts have been wiped clean.  ENJOY TODAY!!!!  :-)   I am learning that even if there are things in our lives that suck or aren’t going the way we want them to, it doesn’t have to be a bad day.  We get to choose – what we focus on we make room for.  If we focus on the problem – lack of finances, sickness, a broken relationship, or any other negative thing – it gets bigger and pretty soon it has taken over and we allow it to rule our lives.  If we choose to focus on God and all the incredible things He has done for us and His promises to us, we make room for those to thrive.

I choose to live my life knowing that every day is a good day because God’s mercies are new every morning and He is always good.  I will enjoy my today because I am not guaranteed my tomorrow and God is peace and joy.  Even when things don’t seem to be going well – i read the book, it works out for my good in the end and the favor of God surrounds me like a shield… He’s gonna hook me up – even if it doesn’t look like i think it should!

So tonight, with all the craziness going on, i took my free night and went out with my roommate.  we went and played tennis for a while and then went to Steveston, which is on the water and walked along the water and talked.  Letting go of the things that are not for me to worry about in favor of enjoying being present in my own life.  Slowing down to catch the little blessings that God has for me.  It was such a simple evening, but restful and uplifting.

As I lay my head down to sleep, I feel lighter and more at peace than I ever thought possible.  This year has definitely presented plenty of opportunities to practice resting and trusting from a place of peace, even in impossible or overwhelming situations.  I was reminded the other day that obstacles in our lives are simply opportunities for God to show up and be glorified in our lives.  He gets to be strong when we are at the end of ourselves.  I’m at the end of myself and I can’t wait to watch Him explode in my life this week.

praying for the peace I have found to saturate your lives,

<3 Erin